sammy_loo2003

Sometimes I like to ponder about life. It's quite amazing how we are the only living species on a planet in our galaxy, it seems crazy that we live on a huge planet that rotates daily and that could get destroyed easily by asteroids or other things in outer space. I think outside the box on occasions an that was my thought of last night. Just how crazy it is that we live on a planet, yet it's not something we think about daily, maybe not even at all. Then there is the battle of evolution verses creationism. Is there a right or a wrong for that? I don't think anyone can say because even people who have different religious beliefs may even think outside those two
spectrums. I am not sure if we will ever find out what was the right religion or even how the earth was truly created. We just live in the moment and attempt to live to the fullest because lets face it. We only live once.

I will pretty much sum up how my night went last night. Lacey and I went to the Waterfront because they had karaoke, we stayed for about two hours drank and had a good time and on our way out we talked to two guys one named TJ. Lacey and I went to Ben's brew after that and I stayed for an hour had a few more drinks and I was ithin to go to the Zebra it was already one I just wanted to go for a little while. Lacey won't go to the Zebra any more so I went by myself but I didn't care since I was a bit tipsy. Anyway I saw TJ there and he was talking to his gal pal and they were pointing at me while I was dancing and I am sure they were making fun of me. I am a really outgoing dancer, I do not do typical dance moves, I am all over the dance floor I do my 'walk around' which is were I just move my arms and walk around the dance floor. It just has me thinking this morning, why do people point me out so much, is it because I truly make a fool of myself, and if that is so why would so many people come up to me and tell me I am a 'good' dancer. So maybe it is that they would never have the courage to do what I do and subconsciously they are jealous. Whatever the case is I really don't like when that happens, I act as if it is not happening but it's hard with people pointing sometimes.

I haven't had a day off since the "Weird Al" Concert. I don't even get a day off next week either. I work everyday. Even if it is for two or ten hours I still go into work. Thats the part I dislike the most. I just want to be away from that place for a day, it would be nice. I guess I feel so strongly about this because lately I have several friends continue to beg me to come and see them. I keep telling them I am very busy but I will when I have time. It's like my words lose meaning sometimes because people don't understand or they act so let down it makes me feel guilty for having a sen day week full time job. I keep feeling so frustrated lately that I want to cry scream and burst. My dad told me everyone goes through working all the time but right now all the people begging me to come see them have all the time in the world..why can't they come see me? Who am I kidding I would be working the whole time. How much fun would that be? Don't get me wrong I like my job I just don't like working ten hour days..nor do I like working everyday. I am hoping things will improve soon..either that or a raise. I knew I would be working a lot but not this much, I want a Happy Medium Darn it! I swear if one more person asks me when I am going to come visit them...my pancreas might burst from frustration!!!

I have many things rushing through my mind. The usual feeling of insecurity. I am a confident woman to many people but behind closed doors it's a different story. I think i have let people get to me to much over the years. Just because I 'developed' before any of the girls in my class people felt that I stuffed my bra, since then I have had numerous upon numerous negative comments come toward me like a torpedo. Now a days I get easily offended. Sarcastic jokes take me back to the snickering laughs. I realize most people get made fun of and teased when they are going through grade school but I never fit in with anyone really. I have always been a unique person I feel anyway because I am pretty creative and that sometimes is looked at as being 'weird' but I take being weird as a compliment. We have the tendency to act different around different people sometimes it's hard to find who we really are and the more we try the harder it is to get your true self back. When I meet a person for the first time I don't really act to much like myself which sounds odd but it's kinda like my defense against somehow being shot down or getting hurt. I put up a different persona in hopes I will be able to put that guard down in a short time. We all have our 'quirks' that we do in all sorts of situations. I think I even put up a guard subconsciously but I have become more aware of it as of recent. So I am wondering how to get to a point of no wall, no defense just being you? I think through all the crap I have been through it just is a thing I have grown into doing. I don't really like it of course and I know I can always try to improve my ways. I wish I could meet someone knowing they won't intentionally hurt me, but you can never quite rely on that. Why can't we be who we are at face value?

The body of an Iowa man was recovered from Brush Creek Wednesday afternoon, July 2, concluding a search that began Tuesday after his two brothers and a friend discovered that he had been swept downstream while trying to recover his overturned ATV. The victim has been identified as 31-year-old Zachariah McClellan of Cherokee, Iowa.
According to Mt. Crested Butte police chief Hank Smith, the four had gone into the mountains to ride early in the day and had successfully crossed the stream, only to find that it had swollen and become impassable upon their return.
As the other members of McClellan’s party searched for an alternate river crossing, he stayed in place. Later McClellan apparently attempted to cross Brush Creek on his own when his ATV was overturned by the force of the rushing water, pinning him underneath.
“We found his shirt that had been most likely torn off by a foot peg or something, and then there was a backpack and other things on the opposite shore. So we know he initially made it out,” says Smith. “Then we think he went back in for his winch to get the ATV out, and that is when he was swept downstream.”
After noticing that McClellan was missing from the scene and the ATV was still capsized in the creek, one of the other members of the group crossed the river and drove to Highway 135 and was able to call for help at approximately 5 p.m.
Smith says when the other party member called they believed McClellan could still be alive. The Crested Butte Search and Rescue team responded aloing with law enforcement.
“At that point we still thought there was a chance that this was a rescue operation… We searched until dark and it became evident that this would be a recovery instead of a rescue,” says Smith.
Early Wednesday morning the search resumed, with 17 rescuers from across the region, including three in kayaks, scouring the river from the site of the incident all the way to Crested Butte South. Smith says, the extreme river conditions presented a serious hazard for the team.
“At one point an officer had been looking at a strainer about a quarter mile from the scene and he became convinced that we should cut it out with chainsaws and tow ropes,” he says. The officer was proven correct and the body was recovered at 12:30 p.m. on Wednesday.
Smith encourages caution around local creeks and rivers. “This is high water time and that water is powerful and relentless and unless you know what you’re doing around high water it’s best just to stay away,” says Smith.

Today has been frustrating. I had a live remote at 11 in Coleridge and before I went one of the sales women asked if I was going to take one of the 'pick six vehicles. Pick six is a contest we have going on right now anyway I had to go get this four wheeler but by the time they loaded it up it was already quarter till eleven so i was late. So I ended up driving some place I had never been with a trailer and four wheeler. My boss Dave did not even know about this and he wasn't very happy and I just wanted to punch the sales girl in the ovaries cause shes a Beotch anyway! So the remote went fine I thought I did a pretty good job. My mom called while I was there and she said while my brother in law Jason was out in Colorado last night his brother Zach got ahead of them a ways and they found his four wheeler crashed but couldn't find him..so he is missing. My sister and Jason's parents are now in Colorado. Zach is mentally retarded..a little anyway so we are not sure if he really knew what happened to him or not. I am hoping they will find him and everything will be alright. Just not something I want to really happen..but then again why would anyone. Besides that I have just been keeping very busy.

Even though I started work officially yesterday I have been busy already. Yesterday I went to Bloomfield NE for my first live remote with Dave Lee in front of the Family Variety store (just kind of an everything junk shop) It went pretty well and I was nervous to do my first speech live but it went fine. Last night I went to Taber(I think thats how you spell it) SD for the Richmond memorial baseball game promoting czech days and the fireworks that night, we had a lot of guests in which I ran after but it was okay cause the play by play guy was super nice. Today I went to Creighton NE for my own live remote from the Creighton meat lockers, it didn't go to bad I had a guy do four interviews with me about Berry Pepper days..and I got to find out what a berry pepper is..one lady brought us some after I told the listeners I didn't know what it was. It's Dr. Pepper and cherry syrup mixed and frozen, not to bad really. This weekend I have two remotes on Saturday then I am board oping an indy game on Sunday. I am keeping busy that is for sure. I do miss everyone though it's always hard being some place new. I like doing the live remotes because it gives me a chance to go out into the community.

I have some good news. I have two radio interviews coming up, I have a phone interview with a station in pierre tomorrow then I am going to Yankton for an interview. I am planning on taking one of these opprotunities. I feel my time in the Deen is coming to an end. I have had fun well the best part was meeting Matt. Speaking off he has been talking about moving in with me. We have only been dating two months and he wants to move wherever I move to and live with me. I want him to wait until he meets my parents first. I care for Matt but I have never actually lived with a guy before. Martin lived with me but then again I lived in the college dorm so it wasn't really 'our own' I keep thinking Matt kinda wants to do it because thats what he is used to. He lived with Lindsey (Dameons mom) and he lived with Joni (Alyssa's mom) And Joni moved out in October of 07 so it hasn't been that long of a time. I may be wrong but I just feel like when you are used to something you want to have it again. Matt got to spend time with Dameon this weekend and on Sunday we took him to story book land which is a theme park based on story book characters anyway Lindsey (dameons mom)was there and it was weird..I mean shes married but I still felt odd, I didn't say anything to her. They were there for a graduation party..well Matt went and played with Dameon in the park and he felt Lindsey was watching him so we went and drove around until his time was up with Dameon. I thought it was weird, I didn't think Lindsey was watching him at all cause I was kinda watching her. I guess I don't understand why Matt would care, I can see how he would be uncomfortable but he only gets to see Dameon every three weeks and I would want to spend time doing an activity not being in a car. Anyway Matt and I went out to eat after dropping off Dameon and we went to a mexican restaurant and I had taco salad and it was really nasty they didn't even drain the hamburger meat anyway I got sick. i had to work Monday at seven but I called in sick. I felt better and last night Matt brought me over a McChicken and I got sick so I missed work today. I guess there is a bug going around. I hope I don't get sick tonight I am tired of throwing up.

My boss Denise has a theory that things come in three's..like three coustomers in a row. I have had three bad days in a row, pretty much all weekend I have been breaking down. I am home sick, sick of kesslers, and sick of not finding/not getting a full time radio job. Everyone keeps saying I will get a break soon and to keep my chin up. I have been doing that the past how many ever months and still no luck for me. I worked so hard in school and my good friend courtney always skipped class and even waiting till the last week of school to get her demo done and she has a wonderful job. I am very envious of her the only thing is she moved all the way to arizona for the job. There is no way I would want to move that far away from home. I keep hoping and wondering when I will get my break. I just had my bad streak of thee..could it be possible to have a good even a successful day of three coming my way?

On Monday I had an interview in Mitchell. This time it was for a full time position they were looking for someone to answer phones, work on the web site, help with logs and then do on air weekends. i thought my interview went great. Chris Johnson (the guy I met with last time i went out there) even made it sound like I got the job, he gave me a paper so i could look at apartments. Needless to say even though they told me they would know by the end of the week they let me know the next day via email that they picked someone else more qualified. But of course Chris offered that if I wanted to work part time on air they would Love to have me. I ask..WTF?? How can they offer me a part time job Again but not a full time job?? I am getting so antsy to get a radio job I am now actually thinking about it. It seems it is very hard to get in the door at all..even a leg so I feel the next best thing is to work part time and work my way up which will suck ass. I will think about it more but I may take him up on his offer. I can't keep working at the espresso bar I keep feeling like I am a lifer. I hope something better comes up before I have to work part time..

I went into Dakota Broadcasting and my personality test said that I am a confident, outgoing people person..Gee I don't think I needed a test to tell me that.The results turned out well but Neil (the general manager aka GM) said he has two more people to interview and one of them had twenty plus years of experience so basically don't count on getting the position. I don't understand why I can't get a break anywhere..why won't anyone give me a chance? I can't learn unless someone teaches me and no one is even willing to do that. I feel like I have wasted my degree for real I am getting so tired of trying and getting shot down. I called Matt after and he wasn't very comforting at all he just was saying how Neil was just being nice to me and just made me go all through everything for nothing but just because to treat me like the rest. It just hurt my feelings when I talked to Matt and it brought my spirits more..I guess in a way he was right but I just didn't want to hear it like that. For now I will just keep working at Kesslers and dream about living my dream.

Since last weeks crazy fiasco things have started to look up for me. When I got back from Iowa I talked to Marc but only because he said he got into a car accident and I wanted to make sure he was okay..which he was but I told him I wanted to start over again and be his friend..but really I was just saying that to be nice. That night i went into work to see Matt and we hung out on his break then of course who comes in..Marc..I was pissed. He didn't say anything but I felt he had no reason to be at kesslers esp. at nine just to buy pop..I feel like he knew I was there but I am sure if I were to talk to him he would say he just needed pop. I haven't talked to Marc since Monday and I don't plan on talking to him. I don't need to I think hes crazy and pig headed..he was always bragging about how many women want to be with him..well Ladies you can have Mr. Ghetto Cowboy I won't hold you back. I am happy with Matt, I love spending time with Matt and his daughter Alyssa..shes soo cute I can't stand it!!

I guess Karma may exist I never really have believed in it until last night. I worked and for some reason I had a pit in my stomach I just have been feeling sad these past few days and it was because I could tell something was up with Nick. I called him after work last night and he didn't pick up, it's not the first time that had happened I was really upset, I called a half hour later and he was talking to his sister. I just knew something had to be going on, he finally called back and said 'can I come over we need to talk' Nick broke my heart last night, he is just not over his ex girlfriend. They were friends for two years and dated for nine months. From what I know she was normal at first then went crazy and cheated on Nick on his b-day in December. Nick didn't want to hurt me because he liked/liked me a lot but he just said right now he can only see me as a friend. I guess I should have known but I was stupid and made a stupid decision. Now I am left with no one. After Nick left I called Gary and talked to him for a while and he made me feel better. I don't want Gary to think I am begging for him back but in a way I sort of want him back but I think I feel that way because my heart hurts. For now myself and my heart need a break. I am just so sad.

One of the most dreaded sentences to come out of the human mouth has to be 'Come into the office we need to talk" Jason Krenz said that to me at 12:00 today. I knew once I sat down what was going to come. I got let off today and I had only been at the station for a month. They realized they hired a newbie to do a person with more experiences job. They hired me out of 25 people so that has to say that I at least don't suck. I do have some options so far they are:
1. Go to the station across town see if they have anything
2. Call a station in Morris..Gary heard them advertise for help
3. Wait to hear about a station in IA
4. Take Brian (my bosses) offer to have my stuff sent out to a few other stations in IA
5. Call random stations.
I have already taken the first step and called he career service woman at school. She is the one that told me about the job in the Deen in the first place. She said that my situation is really not that uncommon. So I know she will help me out too. She already did by giving me some tips such as updating my resume. I have all sorts of emotions running through my veins, this is so crazy. At least I don't suck you know cause they hired me for my voice...just were putting to much on my plate. Let's see where I go next.

It has been so cold in Aberdeen as of late. I don't know which I dislike more..snow or below zero temps. I thought global warming was coming grr. It kinda sucks being closer to Canada. This week I have been sick and it really sucks. I don't want to take time off yet, we only get two weeks off per year, how crappy is that. You never really appreciate how much free time you get until you work 50 hours a week. I am just not used to it and it's something that college cannot prepare you for. I worked Satrday on the AM station helping with Tradio/bid and buy. Bid and buy is where we have coupons for places like arbys for a sandwich and people call and bid on it and then we give it to them if they bid 60 percent of the original price. Tradio is where a person calls in with tires and then gives out there number and another person calls them and bam. Not to bad..that show is just two hours then I did the normal schedules on the AM station which is a lot of news pretty much. It wouldn't of been so bad but I just felt so tired because I am sick but i did the best I could then I got to leave a lil early so it wasn't to bad. Today is my day off and I am loving it. I really hope I can finally have the weekend off next weekend cause I haven't had a weekend off yet. If not I will have to talk to them cause I am feeling over worked right now, this girl can only do so much!

I have been thinking about writing a book. I have always casually thrown the idea around and now I am thinking more seriously. I want to write a book about my relationships. Not going to lie I have been in alot good and bad..mostly bad and I want to write to help those lost souls like myself. I don't know if I actually will because I am not that great of a writer plus even though I wouldn't use anyones last names I would be worried some guy I dated would read it and try and sue me some how for my opinion of them. I would also like to incorporate some past LJ entry's. I just want to let people into my life more. I know it would be shocking to some because of the things I have done and the things I have been through. Also I would not want it to just be about sex so I am sure I would just do a subtle innuendo when it comes to that topic so it can be age friendly. Nothing is set in stone I just have been thinking about it. And something quick way off subject last Sunday I drove to Aberdeen South Dakota for an interview for hub city radio and I got offered the job so as of January I will be voice tracking two stations, producing commercials, doing live remotes, working on the web site and who knows. I am very happy though :-)

Jonathan has moved on such is life. I had suspected he had. I feel he didn't even wait an hour after I broke up with him to move on. What a man whore. He is trying to fill the void in his life where Angie was but there is no way he can find someone that can take her place. I will forever think of jonathan in a low regard. He didn't ever care about me he just wanted sex. I just want to find a guy who isn't a jerk.

Thank you for the memories..I will hold them close to me always.

P.S I Miss you already.

Love Always-
Samantha

I did not write this but it has alot of meaning to me. You will ready why.



Ink spreading across the page, we spoke
once again of embracing eachother
in a moment of vanilla and nightfall

The days are all alike;
sorrow filling our hearts
tears forming in my eyes
a cloud falling upon us
love, open up, to take
matters in our own hands

The hope held us tight
for six months my heart soared it's wings
streatching and spreaing
but these moments are finished
as we opened the door
tangled with emotions
we whispred Goodbye

How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?